He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. That would help a lot with the hygiene. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. Theres a nicer way to present it. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. I have mentioned that I love living now? . And even my husband loves having her nearby. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. Could you be transferring aggression? Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. Also. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Hate is a strong word. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. For a few weeks or months. However, it doesnt always work like that. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. Are you happy within yourself? Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. Hate my husband. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. You probably hate him because he is flawed. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. Also, I dont really like my MIL. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. My MIL and I are not close. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. honeybeenicki I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? It can pave the way for a better relationship. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. Even life is full of ups and downs. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. Talk about sweet! What am I presuming about you exactly? Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Fair enough. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. Nicole I hope what goes around comes around. Why was that? Dear Wendy Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. This isn't the first time. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. The honey thing? How? Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Seriously. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? , RedRoverRedRover Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. Well, you need to stop that. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. However, things have changed now. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. The issue isnt about hating your partner. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. So let me see if I understand this. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. * One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. Oh, come on. He spends less time at home. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. ele4phant Im with Wendy. She didnt know what she was signing up for. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. I loved this response! June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. TaraMonster She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Good luck. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Nope, sorry dont buy it. 3. What Lies Do to a Marriage? Your spouse is your stepchild. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. She needs professional care. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. Addie Pray Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Skyblossom When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Thats her fault not the MILs. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. Probably not the last. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. You probably hate him because he is flawed. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Raccoon eyes June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? It can pave the way for a better relationship. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. Who the fuck cares? honeybeenicki Radical thought, I know Sigh. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. * Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. Not My Promise. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. It wasnt the red wedding. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. So, get your own place. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. to solve the problem. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 How? RedRoverRedRover That could have been her husband too, though. Skyblossom How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. . She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. How did you get them?? Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). 2. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? . . That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. Is that right? He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. something random Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. 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